Friday, January 16, 2009

Welcome to DC for the Innauguration

For those of you who have ever driven in the DC area, I thought you would enjoy the following, for all living in the DC area and those who plan to visit our area
  • First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or "the District" - only tourists call it Washington.
  • Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
  • There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the Baltimore Washington Parkway
  • All directions start with "The Beltway"... which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer" loop designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area. (or in the area for that matter)
  • The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
  • If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point driving anywhere near PG County.
  • If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV.
  • If you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages.
  • Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes a 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest Giant for toilet paper and milk.
  • Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick . Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.
  • All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
  • Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
  • If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, Spanish helps. If in Annandale, Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, tolerance for same sex helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't.
  • A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand.)
  • Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.
  • There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! ( Truer words have never been written! )
  • The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered down right sissy. The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also. The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
Pick me up off the floor. This is hilarious!!

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